That bird now here
And now is gone
Calls the sky a friend.
He sings for morning’s glory
That it should never end.
We hear it late or not at all
Nor wake to hear its song
For us the night is endless
Waiting for the dawn.
If it would only rain my words would pour forth like girls and boys too young to know shame O they are bold as I would be the rain falls I am young again dance touch while the music plays so falls the rain O she is here there are tears of joy tears songs of praise for the beauty of the day earth yields up its flowers to her hand turns to gentle thunder her body lifts and holds her laughter makes the night shudder unbinds her hair and falls to me now here now there like summer rain
In winter the geese
follow the sun. Don't we all?
Time to write haiku.
In winter the geese follow the sun. Don't we all? Time to write haiku.
*
So strange the new moon,
its beginning a shadow
summoning a song.
So strange the new moon, its beginning a shadow summoning a song.
*
Branches bare of leaves,
the moon hangs in the balance.
A lone night bird sings.
Branches bare of leaves, the moon hangs in the balance. A lone night bird sings.
There is but one thing I yet desire:
a waking silence
where there’s no longer the one who sees
or is seen, only the mountains
and the ribbon of light that is a river
on whose shore children throw stones
to test their strength. No one wins.
The river stretches out to a moment
And the silent splash of stone.
(One I hardly understand myself
Or perhaps too well.)
Don’t you feel sometimes
There’s no point
to any of this
And want nothing more
than to curl up with the grass
and just listen
The earth breathing life
into you the music that never stops
And you become
What you’ve always been
but somehow forgot
every time you were afraid
Which is most of the time
except now softly curling with the grass
you know there is no point
To any of this
The Table Setting
for Charles and Pauline
There is no waiting,
No answers to our questions,
There’s nothing we must do.
What comes is ours forever.
We may forget to breathe
yet know the rest is true,
The heart our only rule.
So praise the rising of the sun
And the fullness of the moon.
The table’s set for two.
I know why
the dead don't talk
to the living:
it hurts
to remember
and we stopped
listening
Love has taken up knitting.
Truly, he was as alone as he had been in the beginning when there were only himself and the vast emptiness of space that seemed to want to swallow him whole.
In that time before time, he had discovered that if he whirled like a dervish, bits and pieces of his colossal corporeal being would fly off and, as he spun faster and faster, he filled the space around him with feathery forms that floated aimlessly about him.
Some had the shape of white linen on a clothesline but others looked like bats. There were even eyes looking back at him, dazzled, and he saw sharp, heavier bits of silver and gold that had been flung far off and arranged themselves as constellations, though for him the great stories were yet to be told. Theseus had not yet sailed for Crete. They were not yet the museum pieces they are today, though he could not deny the wonder they evoked.
As he had never seen himself, he looked upon all this jumble as simply Other and called it Friend.
Then, on what we now would call inspiration, he let out a great shout of greeting (SAL WAY TE wA LAY TE) and the bits and pieces began to attract or repel other bits and pieces.
In an instant that would seem to us endless time, doll-like figures began to emerge and some of these appeared to be giving parts of themselves to each other as though they were gifts.
He was still lonely, of course. After all, these figures, except for the eyes, were lifeless, but then, thinking he was making a joke, he began to play with these megoistic forms and discovered a power within himself to bring them to life and was able with practice to forget to remember that all their laughter, lovemaking, and quarreling were nothing but himself playing alone.
Some of these strange beings even seemed to be aware of their creator, but soon enough they began to vie for his favor, tearing each other apart, piling up body parts, and setting them on fire. Some, out of gratitude, made living torches of themselves. They thought he, their creator, would inhale the smoke and be pleased. He wasn’t. Indeed, he was appalled to see what had formerly been bits and pieces of himself going up in smoke.
It was then he decided to stop spinning and take up knitting instead, hoping to piece together what was left of himself into one colossal Other, who might one day be a comfort for his loneliness.
He worked day after day for seven days without sleeping until he could no longer hold off the night, though it would have looked to us today as if he had just given up.
When he woke from his dreams, however, he discovered his loneliness had vanished. Before him was a wingéd Other. He called her Anima because he felt she had always been as close to him as the wind. Anima Animus Animus Anima was his mantra.
He now took up his knitting in earnest, but after every cycle of seven days, he would sleep and dream and discover upon waking other wingéd forms to whom he also gave names inspired by what he felt when he first saw them, names like Twilight and Shadow, Dawn and Cobweb, Shifting Sand and Trumpet, Midnight Blue and Riverunrun.
And all these lovely, strange wingéd Others would bring him earth, air, fire, and water as gifts, and he in turn would dream up worlds for them in which their strange and varied beauty would be at home.
He did not know exactly how all this had happened but felt as if he now had a purpose, though at the time he actually knew nothing at all about this. It was as if there were some great something at stake, but when the earth turned away from the sun on every seventh day, he would, like time itself, fall asleep and dream again.
Truth be told, he was still alone, but now the wind told him that all this, every bit and piece of it, was poetry.
(for Maya)
I want words to breathe like I do, weep when I do, and bruise easily.
I want words to dream and remember those dreams that first set me on this path.
I want words to grow old with me and become like the lines in my face and tell me
old stories that keep my stumbling spirit from falling and new ones that tell of
love forever young and freely given.
I want words of no regret even for the sorry waste of all I have left undone, unsaid.
I want words to hold up a mirror and see there all who at some time have gone hand
in hand with me through this life.
O what a wondrously crowded reflection that would be, all of them in the morning
of their lives, young and old alike.
O that words would fall like these tears and mark the page in silver and gold, the true
colors of night, that these words would live on in their hearts and find some rest there,
though I myself be nothing but the sound the restless wind makes on a cold night,
the wind that sweeps down the mountainside and past all the houses in which loved ones
have died and gathers up all those lost souls and scatters what is but dust and ash
through the deep space of time.
The Greatest Calling
After forgetting your name
I remembered everything else
that matters.
What’s in a name
is not you. You are as beyond
naming as the light. Don’t name
the constellations. The stars
are waiting for you to join them
in their radiant anonymity.
It is your birthright as surely
as wave upon wave makes
no sound upon the shore
that does not rhyme
with your breathing.
Listen! The birds
are nesting in your heart.
They will guide you home.
We go together and alone.
Baby Talk
If you are the rain,
You will never get wet
Or need to huddle under a canopy of leaves
Dripping with tears or hide
from lightning or be afraid
Of thunder or look out for a blue patch of sky
Or tell someone you are not
A metaphor at home in darkness
As in light.
And then
You are gone
Until you find yourself
Falling once again.
You speak not in metaphors
But in streams and flowers
And no one knows
What you are saying.
for Charles and Pauline
When she said I won’t be coming back
She knew you would
And would bring such living memories
That she would forever be at rest
With you there, always
Returning with the morning light
Or when it rains
Or whenever you set off from the shore
Or gathering the warmth of a fire
You will find through her
The wild peace, the ecstatic
Harmony of color, the sacred
Loon that calls us to life
That in its leaving never departs.
Quiet falls like leaves
Like night, the wheels
That turn the stars stop
There is no you, only
The sound of birds
Nesting in these words
So quiet they must be true
Because I am always looking
To the sky as if it were a mirror
I do my best flying at night
Because I am always looking
Into your eyes as if they were mine
I know both loneliness and love
Because I am always looking
To catch up with myself
I am always late, always waiting
Because I am always looking
I cannot see what is not there
Though it cost me my life
Because I am always looking
I am blinded by the light
For my students
As a child, he had always felt close to birds. It was as if the birds revealed to him some other way of being in the world, what he would now call, as an adult, another reality. As a 6-year-old and then a teenager and later as a father and a teacher, he never stopped hoping that the birds would not fly off when he came near or, more secretly, that the birds would actually come to him. They didn’t, and he blamed himself, thinking if he had been a better person or more at peace with himself and others, the birds would naturally perch on his shoulders or nest in his beard. He scolded himself for such foolish thoughts. Then one day, while on a long solitary walk in the mountains, a bird did come to him but only to drive him off from its nest. It made him incredibly sad. When he returned home from his long walk, he slept the sleep of the dead but woke in the morning with a birdlike song in his heart. To the birds, however, nothing had changed. Yet, to this day, he still sings with the birds. Sometimes they do not fly away at once but seem to listen and join their song with his. He knew he was yet again being foolish, but now, at last, he felt strangely at peace.
ALL COBWEB
SEES IS
AN ASS
IS AN ASS
IS A MAN
AT BOTTOM
PLAYS ALL
THE PARTS
A FOOL
LIKE
A LIFE WORTH
DYING
— it took but moments
to write / not quite
a lifetime
What does real even mean?
Trying to understand it
We search out pain
Or maybe it’s different in Chicago
Where Janes and Johns play craps on the L
Or in the fields beyond
Where farm girls and boys give their bodies first to the sun
And then to each other and finally to the earth they love.
We make it up as we go along. What's true remains.
Let's call it rain.
A Bedtime Story
Last night
Papa
Fell asleep
Reading
I didn't
Wake him
So, So Sorry
If I could find
The words
I would not
Need
To apologize
For this
Also
Sparrow
Not a sparrow
But this sparrow
That has already
Flown away.
Sorry to have missed you
You weren’t there
Or I was late
Or this was not
The place
I waited
It’s not a problem
It's just that
As I told you
I am really scared
— Perhaps another time
We must breathe to live
Until we weave ourselves
Into wind and breathe no more,
A grace we did not know we
Were living for — or think of
Rain and weep no more.
No one knew if Katherine was one or many because each time she vanished she came back as a totally different person who yet called herself Katherine and somehow knew things about us that only the true Katharine could know. We would perhaps have overlooked the startling changes in her appearance and personality (now like a sly cat, another time like a valkyrie or a damsel in distress) if only there had not been so many Katharines (this last time she had returned with a faraway look in her eye and raven black hair that had previously been unapologetically red) or if she had not insisted that she was in fact always the one and the same Katharine. Well, she has now vanished once again. We all wondered who she would be when we saw her next. Perhaps a prima ballerina prancing about in piping-hot-pink pantaloons, prating on and on about some pearl of wisdom so priceless that it was actually worth nothing at all. We knew at least she would not be like us, blessedly familiar, wearing the spring grass down to a well-graveled path.
He had once been a happy man. He had loved everybody, boys, girls, old women who thought themselves still vibrant and sexy, and old men with dangerously foul breath. He found lovable what others considered obscene, like protruding teeth or flapping ears or a nasty-looking scar across the forehead. He even found drooling as attractive as sweat. He couldn’t help himself. Others thought he was delusional or simply a dirty old man, until one day, he suffered a head injury, having slipped off a ledge while ogling sagging sunbathers. After he recovered, where he had once celebrated every blemish as a joy to behold, he now found crippling fault. His constant refrain was, “Who could love someone like you?” He said this whether the person was overweight, stuttered or blinked too much or had dull brown hair or had one too many eyes. He reserved a special place in hell for redheads, whom he previously had loved to distraction. Some fondly remembered the “dirty old man,' but now putting their full faith in what had before been but a naive myth, claimed he had once been a lovely human being. They asked him what had changed and he said, “I woke up.” One day he took a good look at himself in the mirror and saw the faults he found in others in himself: unruly hair, yellowing and missing teeth, wrinkles that made his flaccid face look like a prune -- he even thought his skin had turned dark purple. So be it, he concluded, and banged his head as hard as he could against the glass. This time he didn’t wake up. Those who had originally thought of him as a dirty old man felt somehow vindicated. They said they had known it all along. “Plain as the nose on your face,” they said. Others, more simply, blamed it on the mirror.
ΠΑΝΤΩΝ ΧΡΗΜΑΤΩΝ ΜΕΤΡΟΝ
I sit and knit and smile
They think me dim
I cut and weave each thread
They merely measure
Theirs by mine.
I see you now, child, wrapped in vines and visions,
happy to find a place to hide, laughing hoping someone will find you.
Don't call out. No one will come.
Let the wind be your voice, just as you hear mine now.
It's autumn and the leaves rustle alive for one last song before winter.
Someone will hear the wind laughing in the trees.
They will see you in all your glory.
Three words
A lifetime
Who can speak them?
I cannot
this morning's night.
Can you?
Medusa was butch
but wore sunshine
as if it were hair.
Where did the snakes come from?
From men who stared.
(In the earliest descriptions and images of Medusa, there were no snakes. She was just stone-cold beautiful!)
for Michaela
What’s left to say?
Just this
In the rain
There are sparks
Of dark fire.
Do you see them?
They are like roses.
Do you see them?
Do you see yourself,
Burning shamelessly?
How will you begin
When there is no end
To the night
Or the burning?
Think of a bird
On a branch
With no wings of flame
But words
To set itself on fire
And sing
Of the night
Of the rain
That will not stop.
Without that song
There is no morning light.
for Nathaniel Bowie
When we return there will be an empty space
That we will fill with true memories
Of one devoted to what we devote ourselves:
The life of the school, service to others,
Kindness, a look that says I will
See what I can do
And then do it.
Photograph by Ber Himwich
“That’s the face of a man who has seen it all.”
Not so. There’s more to come
And it’s not all suffering loss
The mind shedding all
That is not nailed down
Eyes vacant still
Focused on what no one else can see
A sky so blue the light so full
That you can speak only
In single syllables silently
To the coming darkness
As though it were a friend
Passing onto another life
Where there is no sky
But the sky we have become
When at last we have seen it all.
Blackjack!
for Halie
Now I sit me down to stay
until I’ve said what I meant to say
when the leaves were green
and the birds perched on my shoulder
(how now the withered leaves look like me
and there’s but a torrent of crows
that always get the singing wrong).
Enough of that! Say what
you meant to say, your one last wish,
(a benevolent stranger bestowed three on me:
the first I used for a good night’s sleep,
the second that I would see another day)
to see her soon, is about to be
but poor poetic dust that covers all.
The crows remind me that’s not
all I want to say (their song may not be
pretty, but they are wise).
I cough and tell them to stop
their cawing or go away. They say they will
if the twenty-first line of this not a song
says it all. I miss you. And still they caw.
He thought of her as if she were with him, but the truth was that she was gone and she was not coming back. The last time they spoke on the phone, she had told him. And that was that. Still, he thought he could hear her voice, singing the song she had written for him, her father, though as it turned out, she had been, on that early autumn day, more in need of the song than he. It had been a song of farewell, though it seemed now, as he listened to the light falling around him, a lullaby like the one his own father had sung for him when he was a child and if that mockingbird don’t sing, his daughter’s words now restless and unsettled like that of a mooncast muse or like living with and without regret. He thought if he could just remember the words of her song or snatch their meaning out of the call of birds that had never abandoned him or feel their rhythm in the outflow of his heart or see the flash of her eyes in the flickering of the candle on his desk, she, the singer of the song, would be there for him now. Without knowing where the words were coming from, he began to sing. He sang of all he loved and all that he would be leaving behind when his own time came. Mostly, though, he sang of the sea, the song becoming the gentle rock and slap of the boat, following now only the river’s stream taking him out. He too was not coming back.
Every time he looked at her, he scowled. She finally had enough and asked him what his problem was. He said, “You’re so beautiful. I can’t help myself.” She didn’t understand. “But your face is so ugly when you look at me?” Now he didn’t understand and, of course, all the while he was scowling. Finally, she asked, “Can you smile?” and he answered, “I thought I was.” “No, a smile looks like this,” and she smiled for him. He scowled. Then, for some reason, she kissed him.When people see the two of them together now, hand in hand, scowling and smiling, they say aloud, “What an odd couple.” Love is so strange.
Somnium: Out there in the stars a drum is heard and they draw near the soft body and nearer the other one within, softer now, slows, now sleeps. The moon hangs in the sky. We find our way there. First, a hand and only then the eyes. What do they see? The moon hangs in the trees, wind weaving the light. There’s a burst of autumn colors, then the tears come. We dig in the dirt and find seashells, bones, roots. Still, the drumming, leading us on. You close your eyes to listen, then wake to find yourself alone, pawing at all that’s not there, the drumming now too distant to know if it is anything more than a lonely heart.
When Selina saw the children at play, she wished that she could tell them and make them understand: Don't grow up. You'll never play like this again. Your feet have roots, your arms branches that reach out for the light. The birds talk to you as friends should, and you give them shelter. They, in turn, give you wings that will take you far away from this time and place. When you return and other children gather around you and ask why you look so sad, you will tell them a story, not yours of course, nor theirs, but of some other children whom time forgot, children whose wings became leaves and whose feet were rooted in the ground and free.
Be brave! No more sneaking around, no more affectation!
What great soul said that? Yours, of course! One soul
seeks another, that's how it knows where to go.
You and I the same, same with wings and wind.
if you keep hiding, you may prove
you aren’t there at all, no hands no feet,
not those beautiful eyes that catch the sky
(yes, your eyes are beautiful. It's never a lie.)
no joy or grief, just an echo that dims.
Listen! the ringing in your ear is the tolling of your soul:
it's time, it's time, it's time, it's damn well time already!
Enough of all this hiding only to lose, a soul
only knows itself as the moon,
the one becomes two.
The less we fear and sooner than now
the more we can dance and dance our own tune.
Let the kite go and be where it goes.
That's poetry! It's like falling in love . . .
Hey there, beautiful, where ya goin?
—I'm going with you.
If truth is to factual as synonym is to cinnamon,
then the here and the now will nowhere be found.
(Bryce Gordon wrote the protasis and has not yet
expressed an opinion on the apodosis.)
Catullus 85
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
(literal: I hate and I love. Why I do this, perhaps you ask?
I don't know, but I feel it happening and I am tortured.)
My translation
Hates she I love. Don't ask!
My tongue's ripped out.
This will hardly seem a translation. What I have tried to do is to preserve the emotion.
1. In the Latin, odi et becomes through elision odet, creating a semantic confusion, the -t identifying a 3rd person subject. Thus, the "she" in my translation. The words themselves become jumbled, suggesting turbulent emotions. 'hates she I love' - is arranged as a chiasmus (A B B A - think of the Greek letter χ), and may be represented as a cross. For the relevance see the 3rd comment.
2. Again, by ellison quare id (why it) becomes quarid, suggesting that the question itself is an additional source of pain.
3. In the second line of my translation, I was attempting to convey in a single image both the anguish and the poet's inability to speak about it. The verb excrucior (I am tortured) suggests a crucifixion (crux: cross), a punishment reserved for slaves in Catullus's time.
All well and good, I say to myself, but is it a translation of Catullus's poem or is the original so changed in translation as to become something else? If something else, what would we call it? It's not really an original poem. Perhaps, a creative translation. It may or not be creative, but in my judgment, it is in fact a translation, one that tries to convey the emotion of the original as opposed to the dictionary meaning of the words themselves. Think: how does anyone but God join a soul to a body? With less fanfare, a translator is trying to transfer the soul or emotion of a poem in one language into the body of another.
Hugh,
Yesterday was very busy. I drove alone to Manistee to get a prescription for Pauline and a variety of things needed at the hardware store (mousetraps, a garden kneeling pad, lids for 5-gallon buckets, specific sizes of screws, ballpoint pens, paper plates, and groceries). It took a long time and was tiring.
I thought about your De Anima reflections but didn’t get farther than concluding that the Latin is preferable to the Greek (Peri Psyches) in that casual English usage would stimulate overtones of Life in Latin rather than of Mind in Greek. Happily, neither would immediately connote “soul” in common parlance.
As usual, the problem is the fundamental poverty of language itself. You probably will have to gin up some poetry if we are to proceed further!
I have been sleeping well, and this morning I woke fairly early and was able to have more than an hour of reflective thought before getting out of bed. That luxury is counterbalanced by constraints on my writing time this morning. So, although my thoughts will have some semblance of order, my writing will not probe as deeply as it might. I had probably better start with my comments because the pressure of time is increasing.
After we began reflecting on Julian Jayne’s take on Consciousness (when was that?), we came upon some agreement on the utility of the phrase: “subjective reflective self-consciousness”. (Did we hack that phrase together or did we incorporate it from someone else?) Without going further in that direction at the moment, I would also like to add the concept of “personhood”.
I believe I sent you an article (tell me if I didn’t) on Aphantasia––the inability to form mental images of remembered persons, places, things, and experiences. This rare phenomenon draws our attention to the fact that most people are able to form and be conscious of these images. There are also some who cannot mentally “hear” remembered tunes. At one time I was curious about the fact that it is quite possible to vocalize pitches indicated on printed musical notation with surprising accuracy. As I reflected on this, I noticed that my vocal cords physically changed their tension as I thought of various pitches. [Just think of the bugle call “reveille”. You will be surprised at how dramatic and clear this sensation is]
FULL STOP!! A Great Blue Heron, the first we have seen this year, just flew up from the water under the “Yellow Iris Cedar” about 30 feet from me! WOW! What a spot! What a life!
At any rate, “personhood”, although it can veer off and dive deeply into various realms, can be hijacked into being a stand-in for that element of De Anima that is limited to the idea of an essential human element that you allude to.
My, my. I had no idea that I could reduce the deep waters of thought that I had this morning into something that would have any coherence at all––much less that it would relate to the subject you are addressing.
I do hope that I can dip into the prospectus you sent, but I must warn you that I am also following the trail of the common elements of “the good Life & the good Death”––as well as living an otherwise ordinary life.
Something will have to give;
It always does.
Charles
Charles & All
(June 9, 2021)
This morning's herald:
Rising from the water
Beneath the cedar
And yellow iris,
A Great Blue Heron
Welcomes us home.
Poetry is what is missing
When you wake in the morning
And don’t listen for the silence
That will always be with you.
But for that unheard song,
There would be no call
Of bird, no sigh,
No laughter, no word
Beyond the word
To call you home.
When your love speaks,
Listen for that silent singalong,
For the truth that cries out
For life and to live
Beyond life itself.
Do you know that voice?
There are children playing
In the rain. There’s one
Who stops and listens, his heart
Beating wildly with your own.